disclaimer: this post will probably not give you any meaning.
it seems like my life thus far, my problems, my worries, have been part of a natural progression. i could have worried all i wanted, but it was always just a question of doubt and ability, never direction. naturally and thoughtlessly primary school would give way to secondary school, secondary school in the same way to a tertiary institution. you could argue that this time it’s the same: university will invariably be the destination, but why do i feel so lost and confused now? going off on a tangent here; i guess it might seem shallow to worry about education when millions of others have much more pressing concerns of life and death. but if i could carve out a selfish little space in my mind to worry about me alone, this would be it. i am basically choosing my life path here, but do i know with certainty what i want to do; what each course entails; are the things i know i love doing encapsulated in a course or potential career in the tiniest of ways? and i guess that’s the cruelty of life that so many before me must have encountered: you can have a passion but in all practicality and hopefully fortuity, it has to pay.
eight months, give or take, is a really long time. maybe this is our peek into the ‘adult life’, the system-free life, when you have the power and autonomy to decide what to do with your days- a very scary prospect. i desired freedom so desperately but now this aimless freedom is weighing down on me, the potential in each moment and day lying dormant and unused, like light in a room with no openings. the unending quest for satisfaction: what i appreciate is finally seeing the faces of friends i haven’t caught up with for so long, having conversations and coffee and renewals of friendship and feeling. but in the corners of my mind i cannot fight off the feeling that there should be more than this; what can i do with eight months that will give me true satisfaction; that will make me feel like i have used my time well? i am searching for meaning, but i haven’t found it yet.
feeling like so many others are doing bigger things than me, but maybe that’s how we all look like to each other.