Rambles

I write & shoot (photographs) occasionally

Month: November, 2015

reminder to self

sometimes i feel that we really do have the power to control how things turn out. with a sulky mood our worldviews are just darkened and it is near impossible to see the happiness or hope in any predicament. somehow the funniest sentences and most joyous experiences become flat and dull; everyone else is laughing but you just find yourself straight-facing and questioning their humour.

but sometimes it’s just really hard, like today. i feel this increasing sense of detachment and it makes my heart heavy because i can’t exactly pinpoint the problem. this strange feeling just sunk its claws into me insidiously and there is no precise time or reason. maybe months of physical absence were transmuted into emotional absence.

i know there will always be problems even when the largest hurdles are over so the emotional rambling of this post shall stop here and the real purpose, which is a reminder to myself, shall begin!!!

a levels was honestly a terrible time but somehow halfway through it i was open-minded/ enlightened in a way i never thought i would be. optimism has always been a struggle for me so i was really surprised when i was actually able to feel happy during those few weeks. the tiniest things could lift my spirits: seeing the trees below my block flower abundantly, clear hazeless skies, sunsets, the things my family and friends did for me, etc. i couldn’t help feeling so blessed and though i was still stressed, these little things got me by.

i remember watching this video one night, of a colour-blind man wearing colour-correcting glasses and seeing the world in its vividness and beauty for the first time. he exclaimed that the grass was beautiful, the leaves were beautiful, even though it is the same green we see everyday and take for granted. he really really touched me because the mountain i saw before me was really nothing more than a little hill, something fleeting in the larger scheme of things. and i understand how hard it can be to put things in perspective when some things are all our perspectives have been constructed around. but it is this positivity that i hope follows me in every stage, this feeling and understanding of being blessed enormously beyond tiny problems.

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cleaning up

things that i still can’t bear to throw away:

chromatography paper from a sec 1 chemistry experiment,

black dot rising in a column, fading into purple blue green

english narratives from sec 2, incredibly long and dramatic (tragedy, disaster and catastrophe in consecutive sentences)

i laugh at them now but they are the remaining records of how i grew to love storywriting

old poems our lit teacher instructed we write for valentine’s day

colourful notes, flow charts, worksheets i doodled on

random chinese compos (i didn’t fail) with storylines borrowed from channel 8 dramas,

just for a good laugh next time

2 years ago i gave the excuse that i was keeping my secondary school notes for my sister but

i think i just attached too much sentiment to thick stacks of paper i once begged my brain to absorb

today i put most of them in a huge plastic bag, set them aside for the karang-guni uncle

i don’t think i can throw away my jc notes just yet,

but then time is the solvent which dissolves sentiment

thoughts from the park bench

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as i walk through the park the sunlight is brimming, bubbling beneath the thick treetops. gold catches on the water hidden by tall straw coloured grasses. i haven’t been properly in nature’s hearth for months now, locked up in rooms of white paper and black print. my body hasn’t been conditioned to exercise but even as i take it at my own pace, i don’t feel left behind; i don’t feel any need to keep up. i remember what my friend said: outside of school the world isn’t the same. as she ran an old man kept pace with her, and when she slowed down he shortened his footsteps as well. before, nothing ever seemed enough; my smallest efforts were insignificant, my largest efforts were insufficient and i was stuck in the cycle of chasing my own tail, a loathsome quest for self-improvement. today as i complete a short distance i am happy. in a shaded corner before the water thinking, at peace: it is enough for me today.

the world is easier in words:

this is only the beginning of the end

my life lies ahead of me

all this won’t matter a few years down the road

but all this is fiction i create

and i am immoveable in reality