reminder to self

by mandaceehb

sometimes i feel that we really do have the power to control how things turn out. with a sulky mood our worldviews are just darkened and it is near impossible to see the happiness or hope in any predicament. somehow the funniest sentences and most joyous experiences become flat and dull; everyone else is laughing but you just find yourself straight-facing and questioning their humour.

but sometimes it’s just really hard, like today. i feel this increasing sense of detachment and it makes my heart heavy because i can’t exactly pinpoint the problem. this strange feeling just sunk its claws into me insidiously and there is no precise time or reason. maybe months of physical absence were transmuted into emotional absence.

i know there will always be problems even when the largest hurdles are over so the emotional rambling of this post shall stop here and the real purpose, which is a reminder to myself, shall begin!!!

a levels was honestly a terrible time but somehow halfway through it i was open-minded/ enlightened in a way i never thought i would be. optimism has always been a struggle for me so i was really surprised when i was actually able to feel happy during those few weeks. the tiniest things could lift my spirits: seeing the trees below my block flower abundantly, clear hazeless skies, sunsets, the things my family and friends did for me, etc. i couldn’t help feeling so blessed and though i was still stressed, these little things got me by.

i remember watching this video one night, of a colour-blind man wearing colour-correcting glasses and seeing the world in its vividness and beauty for the first time. he exclaimed that the grass was beautiful, the leaves were beautiful, even though it is the same green we see everyday and take for granted. he really really touched me because the mountain i saw before me was really nothing more than a little hill, something fleeting in the larger scheme of things. and i understand how hard it can be to put things in perspective when some things are all our perspectives have been constructed around. but it is this positivity that i hope follows me in every stage, this feeling and understanding of being blessed enormously beyond tiny problems.

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