before

by mandaceehb

it’s fair to say that i’ve settled into a sense of peace and comfort in my post-school life. this peace of having nowhere to go at times, accepting that some days are meant to be without plan, allowing aimlessness the occasional visitor to rest its arms around my shoulders. forgetting that the whole notion of school still exists, that life goes on normally for everyone else, seeing tired grouchy faces trudging home in the evening when children are screaming in the playground, reflections of my own life just months ago. a floating, untethered existence, having no institution or organisation to bolster my identity- i’m just me, not the me from so and so school, no labels and names for people to judge me by. not exactly studying, not exactly working, caught in in-betweens and uncertainties, sporadically entertaining thoughts of the future but simultaneously curbing my imagination from getting too carried away. uncertain is the word for everything. everything is a likelihood, a possibility, a dream we are given months to craft. feeding these illusions and unrealities to adults who enquire about my plans and future paths incessantly, but then again perhaps they only know to ask me what they’ve been through themselves. it is difficult to work on the intangible but today reality will be served up, piping hot or stone cold. feeling irrationally old. been praying for the uncanny peace i found this day of sorts two years ago, and I think it’s here today. haven’t written in a while and it feels good to move my mind again, even if through the slush it can only make up a jumbled paragraph. my go-to question has been: ‘what’s the worst that could happen?’, and I guess it could be pretty bad, but no matter what i know that i’ll have a road to take.

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