maldives

waking up the first morning and dramatically pulling back the curtains to an aquamarine sea, a dozen shades of blue melted into an ocean, fine white sand arching and tracing the coastline. serendipitously riding with dolphins, their fins peeking through the waves, chasing the currents and flipping out of the water freely immersed in their own play. diving 12.5 metres underwater to explore a whole new world – coral gardens like majestic cliffs reaching as deep as the eye could see, rainbow and turquoise coloured fish zipping through the reefs, in themselves so alive in a dance with the waves. swimming behind sea turtles in a state of awe, trying to commit to memory the patterns on their weathered shells, at the same time reminding myself how to breathe with the regulator and delivering a mental scolding that i had no time to get emotional. many underwater fist bumps with my diving instructor each time we spotted something cool – a stony faced eel peeking out its little cave, a lobster with spindly legs, little worms wriggling in the sand. i’m a cautious person by nature but i enjoyed that dive from the beginning to the end, until the moment we finally burst through the surface, bobbing vigorously with the waves and a long way off from where the boat started. we shared that euphoria as language bubbled out of us and reclaimed its role from gestures, the saltwater stinging our eyes and lips in happiness. the painful rocks that dug into our feet each time we waded out to sea, a necessary sacrifice for getting to the lovely sandbank further out where we could have stayed for hours, throwing ourselves at the oncoming waves in the evening warmth and cool water that soothed our already burnt skin, pondering the unlikely workings of a small island where everyone knows everyone.

living in civilised society

is the relentless crush of social norms, a never-ending march towards an amorphous goal, an expectation that you will occupy the footprints of those who came before you.

do you see?

man found ways to traverse every square of land, sky and sea, and so will you in a way that feels right and sure.

if you so desire, there’s a way for you that is different out there.

on change

there’ve been times in my life when i believed i could belong to a place, a feeling, a community forever

but things change, and so do i

yet i feel guilty for falling out of sync faster than others

mourning the molted version of myself who once fit in so seamlessly

questioning why i long for a different kind of rhythm

but acceptance means saying goodbye

to the old vision of myself i held as absolute reality

knowing with just as much certainty that as light shifts, and oceans roil

there is no atom in me that remains in stasis

24/10/21

on our walk together, i saw flashes of the future

like glimpses of sunset through the trees.

easing into the rhythm of the evening,

winding strolls along the stream.

time slowing,

i stop long enough to let myself dream.

9/1/21

one day the exciting became the everyday,

and that was beautiful in its own way.

26/1/21

that day, we walked a long way in the airy, post-rain chill. hand in hand through familiar and unfamiliar streets, on paths shaded by trees, between tall skyscrapers, stopping at traffic lights, where reflections of the city’s life gleamed weakly on slick roads.

in those quiet moments as cars passed us by, i felt a heart-swelling certainty course through me, growing as he pulled me closer, leaned his head to mine, squeezed my hand to the imaginary rhythm in his head. in the rockiness of everything around us, i felt safe and sure.

9/10/20

moments of silence stretch out, connecting the distance between the crest of one wave hitting the shore and the next. time seems to freeze like that: the sea before us, the world behind us, head nestled in the nook of his shoulder, hands cradled firmly in his. reservations unlatch with each bad joke, each house we visit on the street of his childhood home. kisses on my shoulder, a soft glow of happiness that never quite leaves.

4/10/20

gathering up the courage to record the first sparks of a flame: trailing fingers bound to interlock, calculated steps on escalator landings, cheek to shoulder, feeling his laughter reverberate. hugs that feel too short, walks that last too long, conversations that bounce between light-hearted teasing and memories that leave us heavy-hearted. faces close together, emboldened by masks. the pressure of his head leaning back against mine, reeling from the distinct sense of feeling cherished.

things i will miss about circuit breaker

deliciously sluggish afternoons topped off with a tinge of guilt. the almost daily sight of sunsets painting adjacent cream-coloured apartments a luminous orange-gold, watching the sky deepen and progress towards darkness. rainy nights sprawled on the sofa alone, chilly breeze rippling through the crack in the balcony doors, furry blanket draped over knees, bingeing episodes of hospital playlist (often teary-eyed). on more motivated days, lying on the yoga mat breathing heavy after a workout or two, unwinding to familiar voices from thoughtful podcasts.

lessons from my stint as an amateur photographer on carousell

how it happens:

1. your friend mentions in passing conversation that she hired a videographer off carousell, a web-based consumer marketplace, to film her project. this strikes you as fairly unconventional (in your limited circle) and thus highly intriguing. he was okay, she says, except that he couldn’t figure out how to switch on the standing lights.
2. weeks pass. a video pops up on your youtube explore page, where an earnest american teenager breaks down how she kickstarted a thriving photography business in high school. you weigh your options for about two seconds. for some reason you have been feeling particularly poor recently, likely because you are a broke university student and you always feel this way. you watch the 20-minute video, deciding it couldn’t hurt.
3. momentarily electrified by someone else’s drive and success, you decide to put up a listing as a one-woman business of sorts, deciding it couldn’t hurt.
4. could that be… your first enquiry!!??!! (cue internal screaming)

somewhere along my 22 years on this earth, i guess i’ve registered that i have a habit of making impulsive decisions in the heat of the moment. i love the thrill of throwing caution to the wind for a few calculated moments in my otherwise planned life. yet, “student photographer for hire” is a listing i never thought i’d put up. which in retrospect, is probably why the possibility excited me so.

i remember my exhilaration upon booking my first project. it was a wedding solemnisation that was meant to happen this may. even though i wasn’t quite experienced enough by my own standards, the couple took a chance on me, and added me to a whatsapp chat group where we said we could meet up for coffee to discuss things further. very unfortunately, covid-19 has since entered in full force, rendering all social gatherings and events impossible. but i was lucky to have had a short, fruitful run as an amateur freelance photographer before then, and these are some lessons i want to remember:

1. take a chance on it (within reason)

my very first photoshoot happened in early february, and boy was it not someone’s birthday party or baby shower like i had been expecting. the brief was: “i need a really short photo session. 3-8 portrait photos for dating profile”.

as i sat there holding my phone, doubts raced through my mind. do people actually plan photoshoots to spice up their dating profiles? on a scale of it’s totally chill to is he a serial killer, how shady does this meet-up sound? but i had no way of verifying my client’s identity or legitimacy. all i had was a generic, ungoogleable name, and a whatsapp profile picture of his silhouette set against a mountainous landscape. i decided that he sounded decent enough through text. so i replied ‘sure!’, even adding a smiley emoji.

2. accept help when you need it, even though you hate feeling indebted to others

the night before said photoshoot, i happened to be up late trying to study for my astronomy module with my friend. finding the situation hilarious, i asked her: eh, guess what i’m doing tomorrow. what? she asked. i’m helping some random dude to take photos for his dating profile hahaha i have no idea what i’m doing with my life. to my surprise, she didn’t find it funny for long, and instead asked me if she could tag along to see what it was like. i warned her that i was an amateur who had never done a paid photoshoot like this in my life. are you sure that’s how you want to spend your saturday afternoon when you have so many other things to do? she assured me that it was all good and well in the name of exposure.

the following morning rolled around, and walking side by side on a not-too-deserted street, my friend and i tried to identify my client. he turned out to be a really chill and friendly guy – a russian working in a local firm, and training to be a DJ on the side. all he wanted had been some nice pictures for tinder in hopes of settling down soon, and so my wildest fears were allayed.

but they were soon replaced with a growing sense of awkwardness as he bombarded me with questions on how he should pose, expressions to make, where to stand, did he look okay. well, he looked kind of stiff and uncomfortable, to be honest. admittedly, i was more used to event coverage rather than posed photography, so i was having trouble directing his movement and holding a conversation while clicking the shutter at the same time.

which is why i was so grateful that my friend had come along. noticing his discomfort, she started chatting with him to help him feel more relaxed. this introduced some naturalness into his expressions and also allowed me to focus on composing the shots to help him look his best. as the hour progressed, the mood lifted, and we resolved together to capture all sorts of goofy, unconventional dating app photos. him standing in a tree, miming a business call in work attire on an exercise bike, reading a book about pregnancy with a grave expression.

when my friend and i said our goodbyes to him and left, we were somewhat stunned. the day could have gone any imaginable way, but we both concluded that it had been “fun”.

3. keep calm, you’ve got this – really.

in the short period of time that i photographed events, i was always surprised, and subsequently afraid, when people trusted me with key life milestones like weddings. i was just a clueless undergraduate in an uncertain economy, poking my toe into the water and wondering if i could do this for a living. so, weddings were truly a huge undertaking for me, guaranteeing internal breakdowns before/ during each shoot.

once, i was at the registry of marriage with a couple who had just exchanged their vows, and we were about to get some shots outside during golden hour. suddenly, i accidentally clicked on some settings and my captured images turned blue. this had never happened before. my heart pounded in my chest as i tried to reverse the settings to the original ones, but i had no idea what buttons i had pressed. i carried on clicking around in a panic, struggling to maintain a composed exterior, the whole time fearful of being exposed as some kind of fraud.

eventually i told myself: stop, breathe, think. i switched the camera to automatic mode. i might have switched it off and on again, or changed the battery – i can’t remember. but i told myself that i could solve this, and when one thing didn’t work, i tried another, until everything functioned properly again.

it can be terrifying to work in a situation where you have to deliver on command, when everyone is watching you work. but in the grand scheme of things, my mini freak-out probably lasted all but three minutes in an hours-long event. it’s more important to be adaptable, and not to be so caught up in your emotions that you miss the truly important moments. despite my agony, i don’t think the clients noticed anything amiss when they trudged outside in their blissful bridal company. they were pleased with their photos in the end, and so was i.

it took me a while, but i came to realise that taking on a job meant that i believed i could do their photos justice. deep down, i had confidence in my abilities, so now i just needed to manifest it with a cool-headed attitude.

–

what i appreciated most about this stint was that it gave me the opportunity to meet and interact with people from all walks of life. in a strange way, being a photographer feels simultaneously distant and close. you are both the stranger and “key component” at events; not knowing the subjects personally but seeing them through some of the most important and intimate moments of their lives. observing vows being exchanged, listening to unexpected life stories, forging new friendships.

it was a good run, and maybe once the world readjusts to a new normal, i will dust off my camera again.